March 26, 2003

Yay! Expressing My Feelings is officially up and running! And the coolest part is... it only took me 2 days to create! You like? It's nice and simple, but it still looks good. As you can see, this new blog, which was created in time for the beginning of 2003 features none other than BoA*. "Expressing My Feelings" is actually the translation of her song Kimochi Wa Tsutawaru, and it works just perfectly for a blog title. *;P

I know I had said earlier that one of my New Year's resolutions would be to live and forget, to move on and forget about 'him', and to promise myself not to even mention his name anymore, ...but I just need to talk about one thing. Plus, it's not quite the new year yet right? And no, I'm actually not mentioning him in here right now because I miss him (believe it or not), but because I ran into him today at MOA. I never thought I'd see him again. It was freak coincidence, or should I say, fate. I haven't seen him since September.

What happened was, Anh, T, Quoc, Trong, Danny, and I went shopping at the mall today, and Quoc and Trong wanted to play at the arcade, the one upstairs right next to Planet Hollywood. I was already hesitant to bring them there because, of all the arcades, that one is the most unsafe one. Because not a lot of kids play there, mostly adults and teens. But I decided to bring them there and leave them there anyway. Hey, they do have better games, right? We stepped into the arcade when I saw Don playing DDR with another Asian guy. I didn't recognize him. I was surprised to see Don there. I thought 'what a coincidence', he's here too! But Don didn't hear me call him until the second time I called him, I guess the music was too loud. Then I felt someone tap me on my shoulder. I turned around to find Andrew. Turns out, the 'other Asian guy', whom I didn't recognize was Andrew. I should've known. Anyways, we said hi. They both told me that Jeremy was there also, and pointed to my right. I turned around, and there he was, walking towards me. Funny how I ran into him there at the arcade instead of at his workplace, where I had been planning to stop by to make a surprise visit on another day. It was like everything was meant to be or something, because I was planning to visit him very soon, and my makeup and hair looked good today. He even commented on my hair, saying he liked it. :) I'm glad I looked good today, I didn't know I'd run into him. He wasn't too glad to see me though. I bet he felt unprepared. He even said something about me and always surprising him. He has no need to worry about my opinions about how he looks though. I have a tendency to not observe or pay attention to how people look like at all, just faces. His hair is slightly different now that his tips are blonde. But he doesn't look too different. Same old Jeremy as you know him. I had almost forgotten how he looked like until I saw him today. I'm glad he hasn't changed much. Well, we talked a little. He told me he just sent me mail yesterday, and that I should receive it tomorrow. Cool. I'm kind of surprised that he would still send me something for Christmas, even though we haven't talked in almost half a year! I told him I didn't have much time cause I had to Christmas shop within two hours, and he decided to leave the arcade too. I bet it was because he wanted to talk with me more. So talk more we did. He told me he had just moved into Vicky's house yesterday (with her parents). I'm a little shocked her parents would let him do that. Weren't they, apparently, extremely strict on her just months ago? Sounds a little weird to me. And he talked about work, how he works with Mai (whoever that is) at Harry and David's and that he's sick of working there. That I should apply at Nordstrom's with him. Haha! Yea right! Why would I work with him? We didn't talk much cause we reached the end of the path where I had to part and start shopping. We said our goodbyes and all. I'm glad I saw him again today, for the last time...

I need to brainstorm present ideas for people fast! I'm not just getting any ordinary present either, they have to be really good this year. I'm only done shopping for one person: Anh. That means I have about 5 people left to shop for. What am I going to do?? Christmas is in 2 days babay! I'm spending most of tomorrow cleaning the house and making it sparkle and shine like you've never seen. Our Christmas tree is so pretty. We already have a million presents under it. Looks so nice! I wanna leave it like that forever. <:D

September 5, 2002

I really feel like, I have gained much knowledge after today. I�m not really sure from what, but I do have this sense of� enlightenment? I don�t know. And I really wish I could talk to people freely, and help make people happy as I talk to them, as Courtney Cox did in The Shrink Is In. I just finished watching it on Oxygen. It was a great movie. I just love that channel, it has so many good movies, like Anywhere But Here the other Saturday. *sigh* I am planning to go to school with an optimistic viewpoint and a happy attitude from now on. I want to be unique, and I will be exactly that. I don�t care if I don�t have any close friends, just so long that I try my best in everything that I do, accomplish my goals, am able to make a difference in other�s lives, and make the most of my life. I will not give up so easily, and I will not forget to have fun. :) That feels really good to say.

By the way, Don came over to my lunchtable to talk to me today. It was a surprise. I wouldn�t think he would ever do such a thing. We had an awkward conversation. Why did I have to bring Jeremy up? I am so stupid. I am such a dummy. He�ll definitely tell Jeremy that. Oh well, I really shouldn�t care what Jeremy thinks anyway. He is a part of my past. A thought occurred to me some time this week. Looking back on the year I went to Homecoming with him, I don�t really think he cared to go with me. It was just that that summer, he was trying to find someone to go to the dance with, and he used me, to be the one to go to his first school dance? Because Susan was there, and I�m sure he would�ve wanted to go with her. And, I remember he never called or e-mailed (like he usually would have that summer), or even talked to me the following day. So obviously, there must have been something going on with him and her that Homecoming night for him not to talk to me, as he should have. Maybe he missed Susan, which I wouldn�t blame him for, since he did supposedly fall in love with her from before� I don�t know where I�m getting at. Basically, what I�m trying to say is that, he probably used me that summer, and� that was how we met. So really, he is not worth any of my time anymore. I never used him for anything.

School has been pretty stressful. I mean, not homework load-wise, I don�t know what it is. For one thing, I feel really stupid in AP Calc and in Hnr. English. Another thing, I feel like I�m not talking enough to people as I had expected to, especially after having more people experience at work and just overall, from this summer. What is still wrong with me? I think I have an inability to start conversations with people, or to even keep it going. I hate it. Just be natural.

Another thing, I really am getting so fat. I took a look at my legs in the mirror today, and my jaw dropped from 4 and a half feet off the ground to the floor. I have never seen myself with so much fat before. This really motivates me now, to stop eating all the junk I have been intaking, and to really start working out. Of course, I won�t have time to, seeing as how much schoolwork and work takes up my time, I will squeeze it in as much as I can whenever possible. (yea right).

*Sigh*. I just need to rest right now. One more day of school this week, and I�ll be able to rest, at least for six hours. Then I will be working for, how long? I don�t know. I should stop looking at things so negatively. Blah. I feel blah. What a word. Anyways, when I was watching The Shrink Is In, I realized that Courtney Cox looked a lot like Ms. Schilling. And speaking of Ms. Schilling, I realize how much I look up to her and admire her. She is the one who has motivated me to work hard and try my best at everything that I do. Not only that, she also helped me lose a lot of weight. Haha. But really, I�ve never been so afraid to fail in front of anyone but her. She has this kind of effect on me. I really want to be just like her, and I don�t know why everyone hates her.Enough is enough. I should finish my reading for tonight. I�ll be back tomorrow. Ja!~

September 7, 2002

Damn. Never have I seen myself as such a na�ve, stupid little girl until today. But I�m going through life, and I�m only learning, day by day. I know this is wrong, even immoral, but I couldn�t help it. I was reading through Jeremy�s old read mail that I had sent him (yea, at first it was just the mail that I had sent him), until I came across the e-mails between him and Susan. Now, normally, I would NOT read it, that would really be trespassing his privacy, but who could resist the titles �Happy V-day� and �And then... there you were� and �Not until next Thursday� when he was going out with me. My hands made the most of my curiousity and I couldn�t hold it back any longer, I clicked away. Turns out he still had feelings for Susan when he was dating me, and to me, as I was reading those e-mails (just his side of em), it seemed to me like I was just a little kid that he was messing with. I was just a young, na�ve, little girl to replace Susan. What a bitch. I hate him, and it is about time (you think?) I move the hell on. And I can�t believe I cried over him yesterday in front of Don. Damn. What a loser. I really didn�t mean to, I just couldn�t hold it all in after I found out he was joining the Air Force in a just two months! That means I will never see him again. BUT I will show no sign of affection for him anymore, and I will be more cautious, mature, and older, experienced next time. Dayam. I hate him. He�s lied to me. I hate him. I hate Jeremy.

On another note, Anh, Xuan, and I saw Swimfan last night. It was so scary. The main girl looked and acted exactly like Vicky. Speaking of which, I thought I saw her today when I peeked into California Pizza Kitchen. If it was her, I think she saw me too, cause we were both staring at each other, as I was walking off. Oh wells, who cares about that girl. And who cares about the dumbass that�s going out with her right now. What-a-loser. *sigh* I need to do homework.

Lois is such an angel, you wouldn�t believe it. How did I ever meet someone so sweet and saintly. I have really truly been blessed with her love. I was talking to her today about the possibility of my quitting, just because school was my top priority right now, and I really did not have time to work. She offered me her daughter�s job, that paid $10.00 an hour, was flexible, and all I�d have to do is alphabetize membership cards!! AND I would get a free membership (this is at Lifetime Fitness btw). Lois, you are the best! I told her I love her, and she smiled. I really wanted to cry when she was talking to me. Why am I getting all emotional these days? That�s the reason why I cried over Jeremy, not because I missed him, it�s only because my emotions are sensitive at the moment. And now Don has to think that I still love Jerm or something. Erg. Oh wells.

September 8, 2002

I saw Jeremy today. I swear, for the millionth time, we have some kind of connection! When the phone rang this morning, the thought of Jeremy awkwardly popped into my head, and I thought it would be funny if it was him, as I walked over to the caller ID to see who it was. It was an unknown cellphone number, and I brushed it off, thinking it was another relative, calling to find grandma or what not. After a few seconds or so, Quoc ran upstairs with the phone in his hand, reaching it out to me. He told me it was for me, I thought it was funny for a relative to ask for me, so I asked him who it was, and he said �Jeremy�. I didn�t believe him. I thought it was funny. So I grabbed the phone and answered it. There he was, Jeremy�s voice on the other line. He asked me if I was free today, and I said no. I asked him why and he told me today was his only free day. He asked me what I was doing and I said I was going to be working the whole day, and staying up doing homework, that I was really busy. He told me he was already at Southdale because he had just dropped Vicky off for work, and wanted to know if we could hang out today. Mmm, well, we made plans to meet each other before I worked, since I was just about to leave at the time.

As I was moving up the escalator, I saw Jeremy, sitting with his back turned to me facing The Rave on the little bench. I couldn�t believe I was actually seeing him in person. Oh, another thing. Isn�t it ironic how today is the only day I didn�t get ready for work, and he had to come and visit me. I looked like crap. Anyways, back to what I was saying. I called his name and he turned around. I could feel the nervousness in him as he looked at me and we both saw each other for the first time in months. I sat down next to him. Then we moved to the food court tables and talked. He told me news news news. Me the same. He also told me that he had sent me an e-mail the night before. Which is another irony. I had spent that night before, reading his emails between him, me, and Susan. We talked for quite awhile about him and the Air Force. After that, we walked to Gap to return my jacket and then stopped by his car to get a CD he had burnt for me. Btw, he didn�t bring my CDs. Umm, we listened to the CD in his car. Let�s just put it this way, they�re Vietnamese music I wouldn�t even call music. Then I had to go to work. ;( I gave him a hug as we said our goodbyes. It feels like I haven�t hugged him in such a long time. It was a very good feeling. He told me to call him. So that was that. I came home to check my e-mail:

It's been a while hasn't it...?
Well...
Dunno what to say. I miss you like crazie. You're all I've been thinking about for the last few weeks...months.
Yes, I know you want your CD's back. Sorry for not returning them sooner. But in case you don't know...I'm leaving for the airforce in november, or late october. Whichever. I'm leaving for 4 years...maybe 6. I'll start off by going to texas for basic training, then california for tech school. I kinda want to be a mechanical engineer. We'll see though. ^_^
Then after california, I'll hopefully get sent to japan for the last of my 3 years. What are you now...a sophomore? Junior? I can't remember. But...I'm thinking about prom. I would "love" to go with you. And i will save up all my vacation days so I can come back to go with you. I only get 2 and a half days a month to come home. So if I save up for a few months I'd have enough to spend a week with you. Yes, I love you that much. Don't get me wrong...It's not like I want to go. I really don't. It's just that I have no choice. Don't ask.
And the most important thing...
I promised that I would come back some day and ask you something important. I want to have a life and career, diploma and a nice car before I ask you. Maybe in 4 years...we will be ready.
THAT is why I'm going. So that I can have everything that I promised you that you would have. Unbelievable? Only time will tell.
But I will show you that what I'm saying is for real.
All in good time.
Love you always.
-Jeremy Lo-

P.S. please take care of yourself while I'm gone, and be careful. ^_^

September 10, 2002

Wow. It�s already September 10? How did time fly by so fast? It�s mom�s birthday today, and tomorrow is the anniversary of Sept.11. Anyways, I�ll skip to the main point. I talked to Jeremy on the phone today. It was a very good talk, and I�m glad we had it. We talked for approximately 2 hours, until Vicky came, and we were both uncomfortable. I really don�t even know what we talked about. We expressed a lot of how we felt about each other, it really felt good. Not just the feeling and hearing him say all those things to me, but actually getting to say them to him eased a lot of the pain inside of me, and really made me feel better that I was able to truly tell him how I feel about him. I miss him. We both miss each other dearly. You know what? I hate to admit this, and I don�t just mean hate, I really DO NOT want to admit it, but� I think I might be falling in love with him. Why does this have to happen to me right when he leaves? Right when he�s about to leave for 4-6 years? Life is so ironic. Guh. I just can�t stop thinking about him. Why did this happen to me? Talking to him today made me feel so good. He made me smile a lot. And I felt the happiness through him as he was talking to me too. I wonder how I make him so happy. =T Well, we don�t know when we�re gonna see each other. I�m sure we were planning to bring it up at the end of the conversation, until Vicky showed up, and it was awkward for both of us. We didn�t want Vicky to hear. So I let him go. What a day. That was my highlight of the day. Yep.

Ummm� I�m finally getting Calc. Yay! I�m so proud of myself. I still have a lot of questions though. Oh wells. I�m getting really sleepy so I�ll type more tomorrow, ne? G�night!

September 11, 2002

It�s been exactly one year since the big tragic day of the terrorist attacks and Grandpa�s death. I can�t believe a year has passed already. Time really flies by so fast. I�m just really glad I don�t have to see the horrific images of the towers collapsing, or anything on Afghanistan and the like. Those things frighten me. Anyways, my mind and thoughts aren�t really occupied with Sept.11 memories as they should be. Instead, I am thinking about Jeremy.

I get so emotional lately, and I have no idea why. I get emotional over every little thing. Today, I was really sad, and in this state of discomfort. I really needed to talk to Jeremy. In fact, I still do, but I won�t call him. I was really thinking about picking up the phone and just doing it, but I have to use my own judgements and do what is best for him and Vicky. Now, of course, that�s not the leading reason for not calling him, because we all know how much I could care about that girl, but that I am also scared to talk to him. I still have feelings for him. I don�t know what to say. I really need to see him again though, alone. Just to have a deep talk in person. Earlier today, it was really hard for me to even go through my day not being able to talk to him, but it�s getting better now. Having these thoughts of Jeremy is really taking my focus off of school, and I can�t concentrate on doing my homework, not only that, but my mind is always distracted in school.

*Sigh*. Who would have ever thought, that just a few months from this past summer, or even a year from when I started talking to and dating him again, that he would leave to the airforce for so long. I never thought this day would ever come. I never thought he would leave. It�s a big reality check for me. I will miss him dearly, but he will make a wonderful airforce seargant, or whatever you call them. I don�t think he would be able to stick with it, or handle it though, seeing as how unoften they get to see girls. Lol. Well, we�ll just have to see.

September 15, 2002

So, this blog has turned into a Jeremy-blog. Why is that? Because he had to pop into my life out of nowhere at this time of the month, and mess with my emotions. Damn n*gga. Well, I have a few stories to tell. Let�s go back on Friday, which was the 13th. I was crabby, tired, and stressed out of my mind when I found out I had to work that night! I had too many things on my mind, the worst thing anyone could make me do is work. But work I did. I don�t know, I can�t even remember what was all on my mind that night, just that the ruling stressful thing was that I wanted to talk to Jeremy very very badly that night. But knowing that I had to work, I knew that was not going to be a possibility. So� I guess that was partially why I was cranky too. ^_^ I had been planning to call him and talk to him that whole day. Okies, well, I went to work. Boy were we hit with customers. It was so hella busy, and it was just Lois and I working! Well, needless to say, we had to stay after close for a while to finish everything up and cleaning the mess of those pig-of-a-customers left behind. Then mom came to pick me up at 9:45. When I came home, the phone rang. I picked it up to find it was Jeremy. I asked him where he was at, and guessed that he was at some type of mall, since it was so noisy and echoey. To which to told me I was correct, and asked me how I knew? Haha, so of course I told him I was psychic. Then he told me he was at Southdale, hoping that he would�ve caught me in time to see me, even for a few minutes. Omg, I just left Southdale 10 minutes ago! He told me he really missed me, and he had to talk to me, or see me that night. At the sound of that, I was about to cry. I told him I missed him too and that I had only just left the mall. Then he told me he had driven all the way from home to there, in just 20 minutes, to try to make it in time, but because he had entered through the theater entrance, it took him a while to get to my store. And by the time he reached Petites, the store was closed. Honestly, I was glad that fate had separated us by just mere minutes, because I wouldn�t have wanted him to see me (for the first time in a while) the way that I looked that night. I was so tired and in such a bad mood that I looked like I just woke up (well, actually I did, hehe). But, we talked a little longer on the phone because he couldn�t use his cell phone any longer and promised to call me the following morning. He called three times that night and left a message on the answering machine btw. Which is another ironic thing because just before I left for work that afternoon, the machine memory was full. So I erased like half of the old messages to make room for any new incoming messages. Isn�t my irony with Jeremy so freaky? So freaky, freaky-freaky-freaky.

As you would�ve thought, he never called that morning. I wouldn�t have known what to say anyway. I just can�t have normal phone conversations early in the morning anyway. And I would�ve gotten in trouble if he called, so all in all, I was very glad he didn�t keep his promise. =P I left the house, dreading for the work day that was to come. Close to the end of my shift, I was talking to Cheryl as we were hanging clothes on the clearance rounders. I was facing the inside wall, and she was facing outwards to the main walkway. Well, we were talking about school, cause she asked me how school was. If I can remember right, I told her that it was good, but that it was very stressful and I was quite busy. To which she nodded� everything flowed very normally, she asked me if I had a boyfriend, to which I thought was a little weird. Just a little. This is what I said, �..Kind of, not really�. I can�t remember exactly what made me turn around at that instant, after I said that. Either Cheryl gestured her face in the direction, or she had pointed behind me, but I turned around. Guess WHO I turned around to find standing RIGHT behind me? Jeremy. �Kind of, not really?� he repeated in question form. It was just like it was straight out of a movie. I was so startled, I don�t even know what my face expression was. I acted surprised, and asked him what he was doing there. He told me that he had told me he would�ve come. And he handed me an envelope to which I asked if it was a present. He said maybe. Haha, Cheryl must have thought she busted me or something. Obviously she thought Jerm was my boyfriend, so she asked me who that was. I told her, �.oh, he�s..um, my brother.� �Oh, I�m your brother huh� he said. I left early because it was close to 5, and I was supposed to meet dad at 5 by package pick-up, and if I didn�t leave early, I wouldn�t have had any time to talk to Jerm, so 15 minutes early.

I walked out the petites door and met up with him, where he had been sitting on the bench. It seems like he had been contemplating something. Obviously, we were both in discomfort from what I had said before. Me, because I was talking about him. That�s why I was so startled to find him right behind me, hearing all I was saying. If I had said anything else about him, like �but he�s going to the airforce in a few months� or �we broke up but we�re still talking�, that would have given him away, I would have been busted, and it would have been just, terrible. Him, on the other hand, I didn�t even know what he was thinking. Whether he knew I was talking about him or some other guy. And as I walked out, I felt his eyes on me, he was checking me out up and down. He stood up and we both started walking. I had 10 minutes, just 10 to talk to him. He brought up the question of who this guy I was talking about was, if he knew him. I hesitated, I didn�t know what to say, I just said � no. He told me this was awkward, and he�s sorry to ask, but he was wondering if it was Don. I can�t believe he thinks I like Don. What the hell does Don tell him? I gave him a �What?!!� look, and asked him why he thought it was Don. He told me just because of the stories Don tells, and the stories I tell don�t match up. So of couse I asked him for examples. His example was of me listening to Suteki. Apparently, Don had said that me and him talk a lot in school, which we don�t, because there are always awkward silences whenever I see him. Just trying to break the silence and make him feel more comfortable. And if we do, that�s only because he eats lunch with me. I think Don has a crush on me. I don�t know if that would have been the right thing to say, but I didn�t say it. Jeremy told me he was still in love with me, that he was IN LOVE with me now, and that he never stopped thinking about me, since we met, when he was 17 and I, 14. He told me that this couldn�t be just a simple crush, it has lasted for three years, and if it was, he wouldn�t be there now. Half of me believes him, because, dude, this man is serious, and half of me don�t, because it just sounds too unrealistic. He told me that he was turning 20 next week, and he�s still head over heels for me. This is serious. I don�t know what he talked about, we didn�t get anywhere. I told him that I had planned to talk to him every single day of that week to tell him how much I loved him, *I paused*, as a friend. I don�t know why, I just CAN�T tell him that I love him more than a friend. I don�t know, if it wasn�t for him thinking there�s another guy, I would have told him that day. I would have told him, and hugged him, and never let go. Why did God flip everything around for me? Why did I flip everything around and make it worse than it already is? *sigh* He has no idea. He went into some things about me not being able to commit myself to some big things, and that he wished he could do some things with me that he knows I can�t because of my age and experience. That he wished I had gone out and experienced more things, .. and that I was only 16. What the hell is he talking about? If he is talking about having sex with me, dayam. Am I really that irresistible? I don�t know what he was implying. It could have been marriage. Another thing he said (sorry, I�m screwing up the order, I can�t remember chronology) was the more he thinks about me, the more he loves me. He keeps thinking back on how cute, how smart, how pretty, and how funny I am, and he misses me for all those things. That Vicky knows about last night, knows that he�s been talking to me, and feels uncomfortable about it. No shit. I feel bad for that girl. If my boyfriend did anything like that, I would�ve dumped his ass a long time ago. But only if he pretends he�s in love with me. But in this case, she knows he doesn�t love her. Umm.. I can�t remember anymore, what he said. He said it was going to be 4 years, not 6, and that he�ll come back to see me every 8 months. Do you know how freakin� long that is? That won�t be until July that I see him!! He is surely going to forget me. And I don�t want him to. He asked me just to say, that I won�t ever forget him. �I won�t ever forget you� as a friend�. You�ve been the greatest, bestest friend I have ever had. Ugh. I hate this twist in fate. I need to tell him the truth some time. I had to leave, and he asked me for a goodbye hug. I told him to call sometime, to which he said of course.  Then he said actually, it was my turn. We said bye, and I left. Do you wanna see the letter I read later that night?:

Dear Chi,
Hmm� how do I say the things I want to say without making it sound corny? Dunno, but I�ll try anyways. :) Chi, you know that I�m head over heels for you. You bring meaning to my life and a smile to my face. You�re the most beautiful woman I�ve ever met. Every day I think about you, and every day I think, my love for you grows a little more. I know that sometimes it may seem like I�m treating you like a child, but the truth (as unreal as it may seem) is that I love you. And because of that, I worry about you. Care about you. I want to told you again in my arms. Kiss you� See your pretty smile. Chi, you were my dream girl, the one I�ve always dreamed of. And you still are. How much more must I do to earn your respect� your love�? Whatever it is� I�ll do it, no questions asked. <3
No more games, No more lies, Just me�
The one you fell in love with in the beginning.

Truly love you Always.
-Jeremy Lo-

September 16, 2002

�Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you, yet you can never have them? When the moment they leave your fingertips, you miss them? Have you ever wondered what hurts the most, saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest to say.�

I don�t know where to start. I�d just like to ask God why this had to happen to me at a time like this. At the time I need you the most, he is taking you away from me. It�s like losing a part of me. You�ve been a part of my life for so long, that when you leave, you are taking a part of me with you, and I will never be complete. I don�t know how I�ll be able to live without you. This is a test of feelings and a game of fate I must take because I know that I will simply have to move on after you are gone. I really do love you. I�m sorry that I haven�t said it for so long. I�ve been so scared to tell you, and I find a way to hide it every single time. I tell you I only see you as a friend, but you�re way more than that. I love you, you know I always have. Even after everything we�ve been through. I don�t go through one single day without thinking about you, without missing you. And in truth, I�ve never stopped loving you, and I never will, even when you leave, I don�t think I will ever forget you.

I just wish I could say all of this to you in person, but whenever I see you, my fear and nervousness takes over, and I can�t find myself to tell you what I feel, and what I find myself saying instead is �I love you� as a friend�. Even if I tried, I wouldn�t be able to express it in words. In truth, I did see you only as a friend back when, and having had to live 2 months with your absence in my life made me realize something I had never felt or seen before. Maybe it wasn�t long enough, maybe everyone takes this long or longer to get over a breakup. I was waiting for time to move, for the months to pass. I was waiting till that one day that I would finally break free. To rid myself of you, to try to see other people, but that didn�t work. You were there in my dreams at night, and memories during the day. And now, talking to you again has been a dream come true. Seeing you again has been more than a dream come true. I wish I could show you how much I love you. I just need one day to spend with you. Not 10 minutes of talking, not 30 minutes of seeing each other. But a full day of happiness, happiness I have been waiting so long for. I hope you understand everything I have done up to this point, and I never meant to hurt your feelings. I love you.

And whatever road you take in life, I know you will have success and will make many truly happy along the way, because you are Jeremy. Have a wonderful future and I wish you the best of luck.

September 16, 2002

I really wish I would grow mentally as a person. Lately, there has been absolutely no substance in my brain whatsoever. I feel so degraded as a person. I have nothing left in me. And work has really turned me into such a negative person. I have made up my mind. I will, once and for all, quit this week� at least give them the two week notice. Then after that, I will be fureee!! Yippee! Omg, that will be so cool. I can�t wait! ^.^. HEADACHE. I don�t know what I�m typing. All I know right now is that I need to go to sleep because there�s school tomorrow and that I need to mature (mentally) fast or I will forever stay in this state of unhappiness. Blah. What am I saying? I realized that I�ve been so irrational with my actions lately, and I�m ruining it for not only everyone, but for myself also. I have stress. Stress stinks. It really does. I think I need a break from the world. I guess, sleeping will do. Sleep is a time for me to escape reality. Yea� umm, what was I gonna say? I�ll go to sleep and see if it comes to mind tomorrow huh? Oh yea, I think I remember what it is. It�s Jeremy�s birthday tomorrow, and he�s going to get the letter!~ I kind of regret sending it though. I don�t know why. Well, I probably do, but I can�t think right now. You can probably tell by the tone of my writing right now, if you ever read this at a later time. Till then, ja!

September 17, 2002

Heyloz. Today was a very beautiful day. It was one of those not too sunny, not too cold, not too humid, not too breezy kinda days that make you want to spend every minute basking in the sunshine/sunset outside, reading a nice book or taking in the fresh air. And it is Jeremy�s birthday. But I didn�t talk to him. He never called, and I couldn�t reach him. I wonder if he�s gotten the letter yet. I am so embarrassed. I wished I haven�t even sent it in the first place. Today�s theme: Do not be negative at all, and think positively. It kinda worked. It was a beautiful day anyway, I couldn�t conjure up any negative thoughts. I wish everyday was like this. Anyways, I just remembered I need to ask mom to do Monica�s nails for her for Homecoming. Eek. I don�t want mom to. Oh wells, we�ll see if I can come up with a lie. Speaking of which, statistics show that the average American lies 26 times a day. Isn�t that bizarre? Erm. I�m suffering the lack of motivation to blog this week. I don�t know what�s up. Well, I guess I won�t waste any more time. I�ll get off.

September 18, 2002

So guess who delivered our T.V.? None other than Tom! Vicky�s ex! I am so glad I wasn�t home. I was at work. Well, Xuan said that he said he never talks to Jeremy anymore, which is good. You know, after having Tom come over today, I realized something that I was so blind to before. Jeremy is such a big loser. I hate him (again). For the what millionth time? Really. He is a loser and so is Vicky. They are going out with each other, Jeremy is dating his best friend�s ex, and Vicky is dating her ex�s best friend. What losers mangs. I don�t even want to talk to Jerm anymore. Just as long as I get my CDs back, I totally regret sending him that letter and I will tell him to forget everything that I said in that letter because I didn�t even know what I was talking about. Ugh. I feel bad for Tom. Anyways, that was that. I was at work today and it was actually pretty nice. I mean, when I came, Rose said she was so glad to see me and even gave me a hug. =) I feel loved. Or appreciated. Thanks Rose. And I did attempt to quit today. Or at least, give Joan the 2 week notice, but she convinced me to stay. Now, I know what you are thinking, but it�s really different, because she offered me to be on call instead. So I�ll only have to work Sales days. Isn�t that cool? That�d be only like, 2 days a month! And I�ll still have discount for Marshall Field�s. That is so cool beans. Joan is awesome. I still need that other job for Xuan though. Anyways, I have a ride home from school everyday now! Jamie Ebert. Yep. That�s cool. =P So I�ll be riding with Jamie and Rachelle, when we drop Mitch off for band practice everyday. Coolios. I love my life so far. Everything�s great. Okies, I�ll get off now. Ja!

September 26, 2002

Blogger is temporarily down right now, so I have to resort back to this piece of junk. Hehe. Anyways, what was I going to say? I�m listeningt to Lesperanza right now. Talk about summer memories!! Memories of summer remind me of my old self, the old self that was very different from now, the still innocent, absent-minded young girl who was undecided, umm, still in love with jeremy girl. Hehe. Well, I�m totally different now, or at least, I feel like it. BoA has influenced a major part of me, and so has school and work and realizations of some stuff. To put it all in one sentence, I�ve grown� a lot, since this past summer. And I�m happy about it. I called Jeremy up today just on impulse (plus, he had e-mailed me yesterday with a funny but corny little story of him still loving me), and talked about absolutely nothing. I think I bored the mind out of him. Haha, oh wells. Like I really care. I don�t care about what people think of me anymore. Actually, I do care some little bit, but it�s slowly getting out of me, and I�m proud of that. I�m living my life for myself now, so I will do what my heart feels and what I am happy with. Why waste your time living life trying to satisfy other�s expectations of you? This is your life, and you�ll only spend it once! Having that said, I have a headache, and I really think I should get off now. I wanted to say a lot more� guess not tonight.